Squ-i-i-i-sh…splat…squish…splat…squish…every step I took down the dark tunnel was greeted by the sound of my sopping wet shoes slapping against the pavement. As we emerged from the tunnel, Christopher whispered, “Please…please…please…don’t let anyone be in line…” and sure enough as we stepped into the sunlight we saw that indeed no one was in line and we were able to step directly into the car and begin riding Journey to Atlantis (an enormously exciting water roller coaster) for the umpteenth time.
Click-click-click, the car stuttered as it began the upward climb. and then suddenly “A-h-h-h-h-h-” we screamed as we plunged downward and were drenched yet again by a blast of freezing water. As the ride ended we carefully climbed (or rather dripped) out of the water-coaster-car (you know-they really should consider calling it a boat instead!), at which point, Christopher looked up at me and said…”Let’s do it again!”
“Oh no…I don’t think I can tolerate that arctic blast again!” I uttered to myself. “However, anything for my son I guess!”
And so, once again my sopping wet shoes plodded their way down the dark tunnel-squi-i-ish…splat…slop…squish…splat…slop-towards the orange roped barricades where we would once again board a “boat” to travel this journey once more for the umpteen millionth time. “Maybe there will be a line this time,” I thought to myself…but no such luck…I could only be so lucky…
“Yes!” I heard Christopher scream as he rounded the bend and realized that once again there was no one ahead of us and we were able to climb right in and begin our trek up the tracks…click-click-clack…the car taunted teasingly as it teetered at the top of an enormous drop. “Ahhh-h-h-h-h-h!” we all screamed in unison as we flew towards the enormous pool at the bottom of the tracks. And once again we were drenched by a blast of freezing water as the car thundered down the tracks. SPLASH!
At which point Christopher turned, with water dripping from his every being, grinned sheepishly at me and said…”Let’s do it again!”
Now students, what do you consider to be the strongest part of this piece? When you make your selection, think about which part of the piece created the strongest mental image. Think about which part made you feel like you were actually there. Explain which part of the writing you chose, why you chose it, and how you might borrow this to revise and use in your own writing.
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January 14th, 2010 at 5:45 pm
Dear Mr.s Hulburt this story reminds me when I went to the ride jorney to alantis .But I think you should add alittle flashy vocab
January 14th, 2010 at 6:54 pm
Click-click-click, the car stuttered as it began the upward climb. and then suddenly “A-h-h-h-h-h-” we screamed as we plunged downward and were drenched yet again by a blast of freezing water. As the ride ended we carefully climbed (or rather dripped) out of the water-coaster-car (you know-they really should consider calling it a boat instead!), at which point, Christopher looked up at me and said…”Let’s do it again!” That was the pat that I had the clearest picture and that I thought was very powerful. I would use the onomatopoeia, the flashy vocab, and the part in parenthesis. (I thought that was very funny)
January 14th, 2010 at 7:01 pm
I loved the part of when the “boat” went clack clack clack on the tracks and you and Christopher went down saying Ahhhhhhhhhh!. Then you said that the freezing water drenched you, and Christopher said sheepishly “Lets do it again”. I would use this line in the TAX test because a really good authur would use this writing tool.
January 14th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
I think that the strongest and the moment that created the most mental image was when you described going down the roaller coaster (a.k.a boat). I think I will use the part when you and Christopher went through the tunnel. I will use it because of the onmatapia. The way I will use it is by putting it as a place the chracters in my new post.
January 14th, 2010 at 7:27 pm
I think your strongest piece of the story was your beginning because you used onomatopoeia and that is a strong beginning.I might want to borrow this because it can be a strong beginning or end
January 14th, 2010 at 7:38 pm
I like it when you said squish splash squish splash great story!
January 14th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
I think the strongest thing is detail. the strongest mental image was onomatopeia and that was the thing that also made me feel like i was there. and you had a strong beginning and i think i could use that in my piece.
January 14th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
I thought the strongest part that I got a full image of,from this piece was when Christopher screamed ”Yes”! That pg. I saw everything in my head I felt like I was there thats how magical it was. And I’d like to borrow the slowing down the moment,the onimonipia,the adjectives,and the adverbs.
January 14th, 2010 at 10:17 pm
This story of yours made me feel like I was there when you said you splashed into the cold water
yours truly
aryn
January 14th, 2010 at 10:20 pm
this post made me feel there when christopher wanted to do it again
January 14th, 2010 at 10:30 pm
The strongest part of this peace is onomanopea.I think the strongest mental image is when Chris said let’s do it again.The part that made me feel like if I was ther is when u where walking threw the tunnel.The part when u used onomanopea.
January 14th, 2010 at 10:45 pm
I think the most powerful part of this piece was where you said “the car taunted teasingly as it teetered at the top of an enormous drop.” I liked this part the most because of the details and how you used alliteration because they helped me visualize what was happening. I’d like to use this to describe a ride in a car on a hilly road. Sometimes when we drive on hilly roads my dad maes it seem like a roller coaster-so our van could taunt teasingly as it teeters at the top of a hil”.
January 14th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
I think the strongest part of this piece was the squ-i-i-i-sh…splat…squish…splat…squish(:Because, it made me feel like i was really there.How i might use this piece in my revise writing……….It’s like if you were writing a story about swiming one day and having fun(:
January 15th, 2010 at 9:38 am
I liked the onomotopeia a lot, and the details created a mental image for me. I loved your story…
January 15th, 2010 at 9:39 am
The strongest mental image was when you screamed a-h-h-h which is onomatopeia.It made me feel like I was their with you on the roller coaster because of all the details that you put about the roller coaster when you where on it.
January 15th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
i have hade the same experience.i would like to borow one of your flashy vocab