1/20/10 Post of the Week: Hey Look!
Posted by: shulburt in School Activities, tags: hiking, horse drive, Mammoth Lakes, Mammoth Pack Station
The summer trips my family takes are always met with great anticipation-especially if it involves a visit to Mammoth Lakes, California…my all time favorite place to be! One of the reasons I enjoy this trip so much is that I am give nthe chance to take my children on some of the same adventures I went on as a child. However, while exposign them to my own memorable experiences, I inadvertantly create new ones for them in the process.
That was what happened warm summer afternoon as we ventured out on a hike. Our original plan was to follow a familiar trail that runs just below Old Mammoth Rock.
“Mike,” I hollered up the trail, “let’s just go around this bend and stop-I don’t want the kids to get too tired.”
“Oh Mommy,” Carrie whined, “Can’t we walk all the way to there…” she asked pointing far across the meadow that lay below us.
“I don’t know Carrie,” Mike replied, “It’s awfully far.”
“Peeeeeez,” three year old Christopher chimed in.
With much hesitation, we relented and agreed to hik the entire 3 mile trail down the mountain and across the meadow below.
Our hike was fairly quiet as Carrie took the lead along the dusty trail. I followed a short ways behind her holding Christopher’s hand so he wouldn’t wander off the trail and Mike walked beside us. Suddenly from up ahead, Carrie turned and chattered, “Hey look! A horse!”
“No there’s not, Carrie,” I answered condescendingly, “Horses don’t come up here on this trail, it’s too narrow!”
“Uh-huh Mommy! I saw a horse!”
I rolled my eyes, not believing a word she said and tried to catch up with her to show her just how wrong she was. As Christopher and I emerged from the trees to where Carrie stood we were greeted by the shock of our lives! As it turned out, it was not just A horse on the trail-it was A hundred horses clampering up the trail in front of us! As luck would have it, we had stumbled upon an old fashioned horse drive.
We had to step off of the trail to allow the ginormous herd of horses to pass. While waiting, we sat on a giant boulder just watching the 100 horses make their way from their winter home in Independence, California to their summer home in mammoth Lakes. We’ve never seen that many horses at once…what a moment to remember!
Students: This week I would like you to focus on writing a QUALITY comment to this blog. I am seeing too many comments where the only thing you have to say to the writer is “I liked it.” or “That was really good but you need flashy vocab” (there is so much more to writing than flashy vocab!) Think about what a teacher or another adult would say to the writer about the piece…please respond to this piece with a QUALITY comment in which you:
1. Tell the writer at least one specific thing that you liked or you believe is a strength about the piece (besides flashy vocab!)
2. Give the writer at least one suggestion for improvement…every writer has room to grow, but they won’t know what to do unless you tell them!
Entries (RSS)
January 20th, 2010 at 2:37 pm
Mrs. Hulburt, I think your story was fanominal! I liked your dialogue and detail like the part where you rolled your eyes. I think you should add more inner dialogue, like, at the part where you saw the horses, you should explode the moment and say EXACTLY what was on your mind…
January 20th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
I liked it when Christopher said “PEEEEEEEEEEEZ” instead of “Please” because readers wouldn’t get the idea of Chris being three years old. What you can work on is adding a little bit of detail.
January 20th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
This was a great story. The coolest part to me was when 100 horses ran by and you and your family just watched, but you should improve on onomontopea and a little bit more voice oh and can you explod on the moment a little bit more.
January 20th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Mrs.Hulburt I liked when Chris siad Peeeeeeeez I think that was funny.Mrs.Hulburt I think you should use more onomanopea when the horses came.I also think that u should go back and check your spelling.
January 20th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
mrs.hulburt
I have had a experience like that and i loved the part where a hundred horses came at you guys and you can improve by adding some onomatoapea.
January 20th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
I think a strength about the piece is onomatopoeia and you have a lot of voice more inner diolog
January 20th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Mrs. Hulburt the piece was great. I especialy liked this part “I rolled my eyes, not believing a word she said and tried to catch up with her to show her just how wrong she was.” But I think that you could add more details.
i
January 20th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Mrs.Hulbert I like vocabulary in your story along with the voice and the word that carry said pezzzzzzzzzzzz ill yous that word in my story but I think you should tell more deatails like about the horeses what color did you like most when the hoses past by that kind of stuff by.
sinsearly
Brandonl
January 20th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
I loved the personality you put in to your characters and yourself , the background knowledge will help haha [people like me who dont know about mammoth lakes],although I think you should increase the lentgh and explode the moment
January 20th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Dear Ms. Hulburt I like how you use Christopher 3 years old voice . I think you should add littlemore detail .Like were you guys running away from horses . Did Christopher mabey trip on som thing . But I still love your story
January 20th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Mrs. Hulburt I think the strongest part of your story was the part where Carrie said Hey look theirs a horse and you did not beleive her and then you went to go look and there was 100 horse. Also I think you should use more auther crafting tools and I think your story will be fantastic.
January 20th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
I really like your story i think you can improve by adding detail and vocabulary and also explode the moment when the one hundred hourses were coming in front of you christopher and carie
January 20th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Mrs. Hulbert I liked how you expressed the whole moment I know I wouldn’t be able to do that but also when I was reading I think you were tiping fast because I saw some miss spelled words oh also put some more adgictives,some more details to explain every single thing and then not that it will be all perfect but it will make it better and a lot of people will want to comment on this blog. Megan
:p
January 20th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Your story is good HOWEVER! I think you can add more crafting tools like onomatopeia,inner dialogue and more description.
January 20th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Mrs. Hulburt I think you did a really good job on everything but I think you should really expode the moment of what you also saw with the horses like where christpher and carrie staring at the horses while there mouths were droped down to there chins,what was going in your mind , where you suprized when carrie was right about seeing the house.etc
January 20th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
I like’d the part whan you put ginoromous in the sentense. I think to make it better you shouid put voice in it.
January 20th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
I like it but in the story I saw a word that seiad hik not hike and I think you can put like how the hores were they black try that. and I love how you discrib how they were comeing down the hill and you can use more onamanapeia
January 20th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
I like how chris wen’t “PEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ and how you used most of your crafting tools
January 20th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
your story was great. Especially the part when you were about to show Carrie how wrong she was then realized she was right. I agree with Audrey that you need to work inner dialogue in there. But there is also something else I would like to see in this post. I want to you describe the way it felt to see the horses past right in front of you. Did the wind hit your faceas the horses past by on the hot dusty trail.